This Friday, July 21st, marks the third year we voluntarily stand on the sweltering jet black asphalt in 90+ degree temperatures, suffocated by 95% humidity at Vans Warped Tour in Detroit.  Willingly enduring little to no shade and no beer (sacrilege), surrounded by Metro Detroit’s brightest and best millennials all for the love of…….MUSIC, duh!

There is absolutely no other reason to slather ourselves with SPF 50 at least 40 times, drink 15 bottles of water each (which does not produce urine because we are dehydrated), and sweat from every inch of our bodies (kneecaps can sweat, if you didn’t know now you know).

The love of music motivates us and the fact that at least 30 teenagers will more than likely die if I do not attend, so this means I must go.  What, death?  Fact, every year I provide sunscreen to at least 30 teenagers that thought they were to cool to bring sunscreen with them; this is despite the blazing sun from the moment they opened their eyes and their very white skin.  I can only assume they think they are going to get some beautiful bronze glow about them……from spending 9 hours in the sun……with no shade (sarcasm font).

Oh and they will glow but it won’t be bronze, it will be more of a magenta and they will hate themselves when they are my age and they look like an old leather boot.  Yes, you ladies!  You are going to need to learn how to do more than contour if you don’t protect your skin (trust me, I see women and I assume they are at least 50 and guess what?  They are like 35……all because they didn’t take care of their skin when they were younger).  Being my age (which is sadly over 35…and 37…and 39) may seem so far away when you are 20 but trust me, the day arrives a lot faster than you think.  But anyway, I must save the skin of these kids, clearly their parents are not forcing them to take care of their protective layer (ie skin), so they have Metal Mom (me) there to do it on their behalf (you’re welcome).  I never thought I would be this responsible person, but alas I am.

Anyway, let me hang up my cape for a minute and get back to MUSIC…..This year’s lineup is killer, so I’m actually looking forward to sweating my ass off (I would prefer air conditioning but that’s not very metal).  I’m really looking forward to seeing Beartooth, Being As An Ocean, Hatebreed, The Acacia Strain, After the Burial, Carnifex, Emmure, Fit For A King, and GWAR.  I’ve never seen GWAR live before and I feel that is something everyone should experience at least once.  The coolest thing about Warped Tour it is the only festival that doesn’t necessarily build up to the biggest (ie best) bands, your favorite band could play at noon…..I love that!  It also encourages people to spend the entire day at the festival because they have no idea when the bands are going on and that is pretty darn rad, if you ask me.

The moshpits are going to smell like raw onions, Cumin, and dirty socks but that is what festivals are all about, being covered in other people’s sweat while rocking the fuck out.  And that we will!  See you on Friday, Detroit!

Here is what you should do before you leave your house:

  1. Shower (how do people forget to do this?)
  2. Apply deodorant (again….how?)
  3. Apply your first layer of sunscreen
  4. Drink a bottle of water

Here is a list of things you should remember to bring with you:

  1. A small backpack (drawstring ones are cheap and easy to carry)
  2. Sunscreen (SPF 30 or greater, waterproof)
  3. Water and money for water
  4.  A hat and/or hair ties
  5. Comfortable Shoes
  6. Sunglasses

If you see me on Friday, come say hello, I will have some Bloodrock Media bracelets and stickers to give away…..and of course sunscreen if you forget yours 🙂  Here is my face, so you know who you are looking for  (I will probably be wearing sunglasses but I’m kinda hard to miss….I have A LOT of blonde hair and tattoos).  


Written by April Baggins for Bloodrock Media on July 18, 2017