In the year 2017, the once renowned heavy metal vocalist and counter-culture icon Corey Taylor was infected with the “Little Lisa Simpson” Virus and was transformed into the “answers to the questions no one asked” wizard.  In his mutated state he began rampaging from metal site to metal site corrupting “metal suckers” and “blabbermouths” into his unwitting acolytes, spreading click bait garbage across the lands as far as the eye can see. It was a dark and seriously annoying time for metal heads everywhere who lamented the old days when that cursed name meant dope mosh pits and killer jams.

Angered by this, the Pantheon of Metal Gods called among the most fierce among them: Dimebag Darrell,Lemmy Kilmister, Ronny James Dio, Cliff Burton and Jeff Hanneman to devise a plan to restore metal on the internet to it’s rightful glory. The Gods saw a clear solution, a Slaver King of Blabbermouths could only be stopped by his equal, “The Great Big Mouth,” and in an ironic twist of fate, the Gods sent forth a rainbow in the dark through time and space and retrieved the Corey Taylor of the year 1999!!!

As he tumbled forth through time, he was visited by visions of the past like KISS, warning him to not abandon his mask and dodge acoustic jams as it never ends well… Even future enemies appeared while the fans felt a change coming and cheered the Poodle Man known as”Chad of the Kroegers,” his words stayed salty – “I’MMA STILL BE A HATIN’ ASS BITCH!” ringing throughout the cosmos.

Unafraid, our hero Corey Taylor 1999 went forth to face Corey Taylor 2017 at the end of the universe, beyond time and space. Fighting his way through whack ass ‘yes men’ until he breached the gates of Corey Taylor 2017’s fortress made of Rubiks Cubes with color on only one side and pompous, unnecessary shit like segways and selfie sticks. There our hero would face the most lame villain, Corey Taylor 2017 in an epic battle to the death.

The battle waged for many days and nights and a victor seemed uncertain, until a bolt of lightning crashed down and an ally joined Corey Taylor 1999, the Corey Taylor 2001!  Supercharged by the dopeness of their debut album and the unholy power of Iowa, they sought the destruction of Corey Taylor 2017 once and for all!!!!

AND THEN A REVELATION! Corey Taylor 1999 and Corey Taylor 2001 realized where so many had gone wrong, Corey Taylor 2017 is just #8 in a pretty dope metal band and not an actual a Magic Eightball or the Great and Powerful Zoltan and thus his opinions, while valid in their own right, were no fuckin holy doctrine that should be shoveled down the throats of fans by hacks who claim to report real music news.  This changed everything.  Corey Taylor 2017 was destroyed in this moment, his opinions on everything from politics to which maxi pads were actually most comfortable for plus size women were what kept him alive.

It was also about this time that they noticed Corey Taylor 2017 wasn’t a human being atall, but actually an 8 foot monster from the Cretaceous Period who went on his awful tirade because no one would just give him a damn three fiddy.  And upon his destruction? Tiny angels came and sang songs of harmony and the desire for all to have chocolate!!!

 

 

Written by Ken Kaizer for Bloodrock Media on August 24, 2017